The author of this blog stopped writing here long time back. The posts published here embarrass her now. And hence, there is very little chance that she is going to write here again.

This blog is hence declared to be in a state of COMA.

Rendezvous With The Soul: A "Fictional" Mini-Autobiography

We all have dreams, aspirations and fantasies that we wish were closer to the reality. But worldly life doesn't allow us to really "live on our terms", does it? This is a mini-autobiography, a work of fiction, a dose of philosophy on life and its ways... and so on. Perhaps, it doesn't really fall under one genre.

I realized that "being practical" takes away from us the ability to think beyond the limitations that the realities of human life impose. Don't we live under too many restrictions? Don't we have fears that stop us from experimenting? Don't we, because of this, end up missing out on a lot of good things in life? I had a little rendezvous... with the soul, and with the one "soul-mate" I never seem to lose faith in... no matter how hard I try.

I sat there on the moist grass, playing with beads of dew adorning its tips. The early morning breeze kissed my cheeks from both the sides, while my hair propped like happy little children, joyous and free, at times blinding my eyes that refused to bat a lid and miss the glory of the moment. I sat there transfixed, a tiny smile spread across my lips, for no reason whatsoever. I felt light. I felt uncluttered.

For the first time in life, I was alone, and wanted to remain so. For a moment, it sent a shiver of guilt down the spine. I have a beautiful family, a best friend, some close friends, and just friends—all of them to call "mine", in this large crowded world. What a blessing it is to have people to love and people to be loved by. But at that moment, all that I wanted was peace. All that I wanted was me. I wanted to live that moment for no one else, but me. Life suddenly seemed like it was mine. I felt selfish and I liked it. 

And then, all of a sudden, thoughts began to pour in. Were they just thoughts? Or realizations, reflections of the reality I have safely ignored till now? I felt scared. The truth is bitter. And I, for once, was about to taste it.

People fall in love, then fall out of it, then fall in love, and again fall out of it... and so on. Hearts break, hearts meet. It's a rejuvenating feeling both the times. When in love, one learns how to be happy without a reason. When broken, one learns how to move on, one grows—in every sense of the word.
Where is love in my life? It is in the bonding with my family—it is etched in every thought about them, in every moment that I spend with them. Oh, don't I just adore them to the core!
But, what about the other side of love? The one that makes people's eyes go teary on hearing a touching and lyrical love song, the one that makes them want to look good for someone special, the one that opens for them an altogether new avenue of life to explore... doesn't it?
Where is it, where is that love in my life. I am glad I have never had a heart-break, god, it wastes so much time in people's lives, I have seen it well, from a distance. But, should the fisherman cease going to the sea for the fear of dying in a catastrophe? Have I given it a fair chance in life, one where I don't let my hyper-active brain interfere, at all? Perhaps no. Have I played too safe in life?

As a child, I imagined a lot. I imagined doing in life what I most love(d) doing—singing. I tend to picture everything, and thus, I saw myself playing some instrument artfully, while my voice played with the notes—striking the highest and lowest of them with utmost aplomb. Years later, I realized I enjoyed being in the center of the stage. I met a teacher who made me act—something I didn't know I could do, admittedly, quite well. I won't ever forget her, Mrs. Bimla Singh. She taught me that one doesn't ever show the back to the audience. She taught me that as long as we are on the stage, we do not have to stop acting, even if someone else is speaking. She taught me that we have to dress in a way that suits our character and the stage, even if we don't like it. With her, I explored a me that was hitherto hidden from me. I discovered new strengths and weaknesses in myself—like I perform better in front of a larger audience where I don't see faces while smaller audiences scare me more.
The feeling of discovering things new about yourself is so ecstatic that I can't explain. I loved my life, way back.
But, what did I make out of it? I haven't done what I enjoyed doing for over three years now, most probably won't even try again. All on the pretext of... "getting busy over time". How busy am I really? How busy does one have to be, to not do what makes them truly happy? Or, have I played a tad too safe in life?

The crux of life, of one's being. What are my dreams? To get a great job? To become a successful professional? To lead a life of luxury? Who am I fooling?
My dreams are fetched far beyond the limitations of the pragmatic and worldly life. I want to travel, I have loved traveling ever since I was a child. I want to see the most beautiful places on Earth, as well as the least beautiful ones. I want to experience the life of people in another part of the world. I want to explore the countless creations of the artist called 'god'.
I want to live in nature's bounty. I want to meet new people, I want to bring out the extrovert side of me. I want to sing and dance merrily. I want to express myself for the whole world to hear the lovely things I have got to say. I want to be doing everything that makes me happy. I want to be the one who chooses what I do next. I want to see life.
But, will I ever be able to live these dreams? I haven't had the courage to even admit that these are my dreams, up until now. Haven't I played too safe in life?

What is my passion? Music, communication, creativity, innovation, and ideas: these are my passions. These are factors that can make me jump off my chair and say, "Eureka!" These are factors I look for in people who inspire me. Rather, these are what make people inspire me, move me, impress me. I would be better off doing something that can make me look forward to the coming day. I would be better off playing with fresh new ideas. I know myself in and out. I identify my hobbies, interests, and passions distinctly. Maybe, I would be better off implementing and investing in one of my own ideas. Such people are known as 'entrepreneurs' today. But, it is a lot of risk. Many entrepreneurs fail every day, most run in losses, some even go bankrupt. What if I fail so terribly that I would not be able to bounce back? What if crucial years of my career go into the making of nothing? Wouldn't it be a scary prospective for my family, to see me put my everything into what might not even turn out to be a stable career, while my fellows would be earning good money already, sitting in their air-conditioned cubicle inside some plush office. That's so not me, but that's going to be me. Why am I not ready to take the plunge? So what if I am a girl? Why am I playing all safe in life?

I was still lost in my thoughts when it began to drizzle. It was a bright morning and the sun hadn't begun to shine when drops of water hit me from the heavens above. I began to rise up and run to find shelter for myself. Just as I was about to move, the showers got heavier, wetting my hair. My feet, bare, stood upon the drenched grass that sent a chisel up the spine. Drops of water glided down my cheeks from the forehead, and I raised my arms up in gratitude. A generous smile lit my face as I closed my eyes, picturing him in front of me...

"So, you had been eavesdropping all this while?" 
I said with a sly smile. "I don't need to do that, my girl. You and I are one," he gently said. I fell quiet, but a moment later, gathered myself again, "So, what do you think is the answer to these questions?" "Would you care to listen?" he asked. "I am all ears," I said. He began...

"What you want, is what the whole world wants. Every day people come at my door with countless wishes and hopes. But in the end, you all want the same thing—to live life the way you want.

But, I haven't given such a life to any one of you. You do not have, my girl, a life where you get to travel, meet new people, sing, dance, experiment and what not. But, there always is somebody in another part of the world doing just that. And you know what he prays for? Peace, family-time, and, stability—a life like yours. 

Yet, neither of you would be happy if I exchanged your lives, because something would still be missing. And, that is: satisfaction.
"I can give you everything you ask for, what I cannot give you is satisfaction. That is for you to attain. You have to understand that your life in the real world cannot be yours alone, because it never was. You came into existence because of somebody else, you were raised by somebody else. It was someone else who taught you all through your life, and someone else who helped you in your difficult times... and so on. Human life is not an independent entity. But at the same time, you alone have to pave the path for your happiness, or rather, satisfaction.

"If realism and idealism weren't different, your existence would bear no meaning, my child, you would have nothing to strive for. There is a lot in life waiting to be unraveled by you, and believe it or not, it is a large world, and a long life that I have created for you. Lose hope, not. Let yourself be, trust your efforts. Love, life, dreams, passion... you shall have them all. 

"And yes, you don't have to play it safe in life... not all the time..."

His voice faded away sooner than his picture did. I opened my eyes to the glare of the sun and mumbled for the last time... "Thank you, G


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