Bending towards atheism...

"Sometimes, the mystical beauty around me makes me wonder, something so divine and pious must be venting out from a source truly sacrosanct ", and that is when I am compelled to believe in the existence of an almighty power."

That was an extract from my own article, written a long time back, titled, GOD, SPIRITUALITY AND RELIGION .... (the real one)

I've always been slightly confused about my religious and spiritual beliefs, though, that I'm spiritual but not religious, is a stance that I've forever maintained and perhaps, still do. No matter how rational I try to be, I just can't let myself ignore all that is divine, cosmic, explicitly or implicitly beautiful in and around the universe we live in. The enigma of nature, of music or anything else that touches my soul and heart wrings me within, as if compelling me to believe in the existence of the so-called 'god'. But my own statement quoted above, "something so so divine MUST be venting out from a source utterly sacrosanct," looks LAME to me, right now.


Why now? I do not know. Maybe 'coz we grow, with each day, each new acquaintance, each experience, each observation, each new thought, each envision and so on. And of course, there's no reason why it won't be this way for me too.


Frankly, I feel that my constant telling myself and others that there 'must' be something godly, for whatever reasons, is a way of self satisfaction, or to make it sound better, a thin ray of hope, of optimism. Something similar to what Aamir Khan a.k.a Rancho preached in most of ours' favorite, 3 Idiots—Place your hand close to your heart and say 'al iz well...al iz well..", fooling our heart in tougher times by telling it, "everything's alright! Yeah, all is fine!” Can you sense the striking similarity in the two situations, the way I can? Isn't that what we, alright, let's say 'I', too am doing, in trying to convince myself, there ‘has’ to be a god, his highness, yeah!


Do you sense my beliefs bending towards atheism? I do. It's not optimism turning into pessimism; it's like clearing the mist in front of one’s eyes to be able to see things clearer, as they actually are. It's like asking your heart to shut up, sit in one corner and let the brain do it's job. (Quoting myself here—"The brain is way too intelligent and infallible. But dammit, it always falls for the heart and gets defeated!") 
Let me share with you, all those thoughts over god-related perceptions that stand as the reason for this gradual but continuous transition. A closer look at all that actually matters, here:


1. The practice of 'praying': Why do we have to pray? In times of good to thank or in worse ones, to plead for help, why at all do we need to pray? Is it to please god? Would he punish me if I don't? Or will I not be allowed to have a life as happy as those who do, if I do not pray regularly or sometimes or at whatever frequency?
Well, if the answer is yes, then I'm afraid to say, how is god 'god' and not human? I don't find it wrong to expect the universe's caretaker to be at every 'child' of his' beck and call, in times of dire need, without waiting for him to fall on his knees in prayer or without checking his records, how many times a day does he call his name.
An ordinary human being too, no matter how nice, pure hearted and selfless, would be pleased if he's 'worshiped'. No? Like the ones who have 'the seat(s)'? The people in power? Unscrupulous, irresponsible, worthless, tactical, cheap, shameless and the list goes on... the list of adjectives almost all of us use for these 'powerful' people. But then, ultimately they are the ones run after, appeased, showered with presents and stuff like that, to get some work done. Is or isn't the practice of praying on the same lines? I wonder.


2. Dukh mein sumiran sab karein, sukh mein kare na koi..? (A popular Hindi doublet that says everybody remembers god during the hard times, but no one does in the happy ones)
Even an ordinary human being wouldn't let someone forget a favor he did to him. He may or may not bring it up again and again, but somewhere, he expects that person to just NOT FORGET a good deed of his and if he dares to, he'll be reminded of it, directly or indirectly, at some time or the other. Maybe even punished, given a chance, we call it 'revenge', isn't it?
So? Does god take revenge, if I do not pray to him? Or if I dare to forget the last time he had been generous to me? If I forgot to thank him for my last blessing, will I be reminded of his might, through something tougher coming BANG on my head? As if mincing with a smirk, "Now you know who I am? B-|".
I do not say, that it is justified to remember your supreme's name in the needy times and not give a damn to anyone else in the better of them. But yes, that's still evil, selfish, immature; in short, human. And 'god' surely, isn't human! So, to expect a difference between the two, is that wrong on my part? I don't think so.


3. Those suffering are paying for their deeds of previous birth? Eh?
Well, 'forgiveness' was one of the few lessons I got as a child, every one of us did, isn't it? So, is god an exception for it?
Nowhere do I tend to mean that one should be allowed to live the way he used to, after committing a hideous crime, but, with a 'god' always keeping an eye on my actions, why at all would he let me tread on the wrong path? While I'm committing a sin, is he resting in his place calmly, saying, "When the time comes, she'll repent for this. My punishment would take care of that." Well, if that is how it is, I'd like to mention that even my parents, who're human beings, won't let me go on with it if they're seeing or noticing me going the wrong way. They won't think that 'let's let her do it, then we can punish her and make her repent for it.' So, aren't our parents, ordinary beings of flesh and bones and emotions, more 'godly' than 'god' himself?


4. God please make this happen, I'll do this and that...!!
"Bribing" is the word for this, no matter how rude. I know this is a practice on the part of humans only but to be honest, I see it working many a time. Umm... shouldn't 'god' try and bring an end to it rather than encourage the trend even more? I feel so.


5. Why do the superstitious ones seem happier to me?
Now this is a personal, heart felt opinion. It's not about blaming god 'coz of some difficulty that has popped up in my life (I myself made a sarcastic statement some time back- "one should believe in god, for that gives us a name to blame, for anything that goes amiss") but in general, the people who visit the temple daily, maybe black hearted inside but big god-fearing for the outer world, taking cash and kind from under the table and then donating a part of it in religious places, or okay, among the poor and things like that, seem to be only prospering and flourishing more with time, while millions of people—women and kids, in particular, seem to be literally suffering for no fault of theirs, in a hell lot of ways. 
For my parents, all three of their kids are the same and that is how it is, for all parents, right? Then why is god's approach to life not even comparable to that of his own 'creation'— human beings? Talk about double standards or what?


I do not know, how sane or insane I sound. The best of philosophy comes in the worst of times: so I believe. And somewhere, that alone has led me to a change of mind and heart. How fair or unfair it is, I do not know. All that I know is, even if 'god' exists, if THIS is what he is like, then I, couldn't care less.


I see myself turning into a complete atheist, some years down the line. Till then, contemplation continues...


PS: Needless to say, the thoughts expressed hereby are totally my own, bearing no intention to hurt anyone. But I do not believe in the concept of saying all that you want and then ending it with a 'no offence meant', to avoid bringing up any sort of controversy. I'd be rather obliged if I get to hear back your views on the same, as harsh or as sweet, you'd want them to be.